Spring 2006 - in love with love...

Nothing can capture my state of mind of these days, this spring, more than this poem - and even if I'm a visual, not a poetic kind of person, this is so wonderful that had to be put here...

I do not love you except because I love you
Pablo Neruda


I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

yes... I think I did...

and with this, am I actually risking my heart again?
this is something that will never stop
but at least - it's for an idea
an ideal
the ideal
...
and yes - I cannot stop this, I cannot stop living.
and now - that I regained my self restrain, now that I am again dwelling into the sweetest of thoughts, at least, I got back my self esteem... and maybe, with a man that won't steal it from me...

stop it....

got to...
stop...
...
all
...
do I have to ???????????

Is it just because I'm doing everything I'm not supposed to, that I can still be happy no matter what has happened/is happening/isn't happening/will never happen????

and what if I don't... (stop?)...

I might die tonight... or tomorrow... so what's the point in self restrain if we never know when we'll die? do we want the last part of our lives to be contained, within boundaries, forcefully enforcing some kind of idea... or do we want it to be the happiest and coolest and carefree moment?

This can be debated - and it has been - for ever.
Isn't it what society is all about, what humans have that differentiate them (does it?) from other animal species?
But how can we conciliate the basic, animal, primary needs with the higher, intellectual desire of continuing to strive for better selves, better micro-cosmos, better macro-cosmos, better humanity...?
Does it make sense to die fighting for an idea? Yes absolutely!!!

So....

back to basics...

and

....

I need to stop....

to feel human again....

will this mean I'll be also sad again...?

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

And this is the card I bought for myself last Sunday...
Why? It's a winding, complex story...
It has everything to do with coming out of hibernation, realizing it was spring again, realized it might have also been the last spring, and decided to begin trying...
So Congratulations for having made the first attempt.
It might be the first of many, or the first of few, but what's important is that one attempt will follow the other, in a relentless succession, until my conscience is clear and I can tell this 95 year old woman - "Hey Raffi, you did try absolutely anything, and not even you can stand in the way of the will of God... so be happy, as it was His Will that has been done."
I owe it to her to ensure I'm not letting my life be lived by fate, but I'm doing everything in my power to take control of the steering wheel... and because God is there for me, it's not the results that count, because I cannot know what the best results for me are, but the fact I'm ensuring that what is happening is only due to His Will, and not to my laziness...
So... CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Is the party on?

[Sunday 14, 04.30pm]
Yep!!! Porta le cartine, il resto e' tutto qui... :-)

Saturday 13..

[Sunday 14, 06.15 am]
Waiting so long b4 trusting again didn't pay off, did it?
So from now on girl, it's going to be wild!!!
Starting right today.
Don't txt or call, I'll be busy ;-)

Got back into the old pants!!!

I never thought about it, but actually one of the benefits of a diet is that your wardrobe increases enormously without spending a penny!!! (if - like me - you keep absolutely all clothes that don't fit anymore).
And... best ever... (wasn't happening for more than 10 years..) I can finally tuck the shirt into the pants!!! YAY!!!!

JollyTTT ... were does this come from?

I was asked this question last night - and didn't know how to answer without talking for an hour ... (ah!! the gift of synthesis isn't in me!!!) so here's the deal:
Where I come from, "Jolly" is what you call the "Joker" in the game of cards - a card that can be used instead of any other to reach any value.
Back at the time of the university choir, I used to be both a Tenor (for medieval, renaissance, madrigals, etc) and an Alto (for Gospels and modern classical).
As a result, it was obvious I learnt both parts for all the pieces we were doing (no matter if I couldn't actually sing that range :-)
The choir then nicknamed me Jolly - because I could be an Alto or a Tenor according to how many Tenors or Altos we had showing up.
So, that's it.
TheJollyZone name comes about some six years ago, with my first website - for which I didn't have a specific design, nor content in mind, and I wanted to keep it personal but free from title-constraints. And it’s still like that – without a purpose …
The TTT has the very humble origin in the fact that "Jolly" is a nick frequently used on the web, and most services won't allow you to sign up with this. However, with TTT appended, the name became unique, so it was possible. (aaaaagh!!! I just googled it and found also some Italian student with the same nick! What a shame…)
A lot of time afterwards - sometime last year - an Australian guy that had the (mis)adventure of working closely with me decided that my nickname would more appropriately be "Trouble"... Therefore we compromised in: Jolly yes, but 3 times Trouble :-)
Now - somebody tell me: how can I answer this question (not typing away) without taking for half an hour?

Ah well.